Everything Went Better than Expected!

 

I can't tell you how emotionally crazy the past few weeks have been.  Though I have really tried to keep a positive attitude, stress and fear have taken over my life.

It's not as important how I got here (well, it is to me, but not worth going through it all over again), but it IS important to note that everything seems to be getting "back to normal".   The irrational fear over this pregnancy has been crippling to me - I've had a hard time connecting to the pregnancy, because I am just afraid I am going to lose it.

Then...

 

We heard a strong heartbeat and wonderful, encouraging words from the OB today - and finally, finally, I have allowed myself to be excited, to feel that it's real.  I have renewed confidence that everything will be ok, despite my continued fear.  The fear just isn't as strong anymore (though it will likely always be there).

Look.  I know it seems that I have been really negative (though I like to view it as realistic - whatever), but I have worked hard to keep a good face and to keep the negativity (read: realism) out of conversations, facebook, etc.  Why?  Because let's be honest, folks.  We all face terrible, frightening, and awful things - but we face amazing things every day.

Amazing things present themselves to us in large and small ways - whether it is something funny your kid says, if it's being thankful you have the ability to walk, or it's the ability to do things on your own.  We all live amazing lives, my friends, though it may not seem like it sometimes.  Hug yourselves tightly, and remind yourselves of these things.  If you don't, the beast that is life will eat you alive. 

Now...don't get me wrong.  It's cool to say "THIS SUCKS" or "I would really like something positive to happen".  It's great to get those things out - however, don't blame your own unhappiness with life on other people.  Others cannot make changes to your approach or attitude - only you can.  Only you have the power of positive emotions - no one can do this for you.  In general, when I see the "blame game" happening, I think of this picture:

 

(As in - "I'm sorry, what?" )

 Or perhaps this one:

 

 (As in "You really don't want to listen to reason, soooo...ok")

I mean, common.   Take responsibility for your emotions.  Embrace your feelings, and turn it to something good.  Our deep dark places have no business in every day life.  Face those emotions head on, and make the changes necessary.

It's hard - I'm struggling with it every day.  But I am so supremely blessed that I need to recognize and respect my fear and depression, but care about it - and myself - enough to make a change.

Since this post seems to be all about the pictures and gif's, I will leave you with a picture that now sums up how I feel about this post.  It's probably one of my favorites:

Learn from today - make tomorrow amazing.

~ M.

Let's try this again!

Huzzah!  We are happy to report that we are now expecting again!

This isn't quite the timeline I was looking for - I wanted to wait a year since the miscarriage - but we'll take it!  I'm a ball of anxiety, but that is normal after a loss, so I am rolling with that too.

First indication of me being pregnant?  It was the day after Thanksgiving (November 23), and I was watching the X Factor Thanksgiving special on DVR and I was BAWLING.  Not just sniffling - ugly crying.  Poor Naomi was like "Mommy, are you ok?!"   It was super cute.

Side note - our number 23 is again making itself known.  We have discovered that major life events occur on the 23rd (Married - June 23.  Naomi - March 23.  Closed on the House - May 23.  Found out we were pregnant - November 23).  Weird, but something we have been keeping track of.

We had a bit of a scare during Week 5 (which is when our miscarriage happened in May) with low progesterone and cramping.  Got blood work done, and HCG was in the 1200s, Progesterone was 8.2.

Now, for you all playing the home game, you want HCG levels to double in 48 hours, and progesterone to be around 20 at 5 weeks.  If progesterone gets to 7 or below, it triggers a period, and game over for le pregnancy.  Of course, I began to panic, and the doc immediately put me on progesterone supplements.  48 hours later, HCG was in the 2900s and progesterone was at 43.1.  Huzzah again!

We're due in July, which means I won't be using any of my previous maternity clothes (because they were for October - March, and I am not to the point of needing them yet).  I may get some use, but not as much as I want to.  Boo.  It's also going to be hot as balls, so I am going to be staying inside for the most part.  Fingers crossed that bed rest and pre-eclampsia don't rear it's ugly head.

It's still somewhat early (still in the first trimester), but the doctor said that there is a less than 5% chance of there being a problem because of the strong heartbeat and current growth.  He thinks that the miscarriage in May was caused by low progesterone, so him catching it this time around saved the pregnancy.  I am very grateful to him, because many docs do not check progesterone (just HCG).  I lurve him.

We decided that although we are still in the first trimester we would still announce it after we heard the heartbeat (which we did on December 17).  Even if the worst happens, it's not something that I am against talking about.  What does irritate me, though, is that some think that miscarriage is contagious and don't want to talk.  I don't mean not want to talk about the miscarriage, I mean talk to me.  It's actually pretty sad, and I'm sorry that my loss affects them so much, but that isn't going to stop me from talking about it.  It is sadly such a taboo topic when it shouldn't be - and I will continue to be an advocate for those who have experienced losses.  If this is bothersome to you - to hear about the anxiety and emotion that go with it - then perhaps this is not the blog for you.  I won't talk about it all of the time, but it is a part of my life, and I refuse to be quiet about it, k?

Naomi is very excited, and has asked for a "brudder".  We'll have more of an idea on gender in February, but let's be honest, it's not 100% until le child falls out.

So, huzzah indeed, we are very excited!  I am trying to rest more than I usually would, and Michael has been great with taking more responsibility.  He's a great partner in this journey of life.  (Cough gag cough)

 

Things I Wish I Was

Do you ever have a moment where you say "man, I wish I was more like that"? I do. For example - there are certain words that people use to describe me. For example, words like sassy, strong, dedicated, brutally honest, dramatic, loyal, and funny are all used to describe me. However, words like sweet, nice, caring, etc are NOT on the top ten words to describe Meg. Now, don't get me wrong - I love me. I think I'm pretty fabulous most of the time, so self esteem is not the issue. However, I think that certain qualities that I have put me in the "not nice" category. (even N says "not nice, Mommy!" from time to time, but that's usually when I'm trying to get her to stop doing something, even if it is in a nice tone. Le sigh.) There are times that I am sitting alone, like now, and ponder my life. I think I'm nice and fiercely loyal, but my brutal honesty gets me in trouble from time to time. I tell myself that keeping people accountable and not sugar coating stuff isn't necessarily a downfall, but it can get me in trouble in certain situations. I have a little bit of a hot head too, which puts me in the "not nice" category. Does it bother me that the words sweet and kind aren't used to describe me? Yes and no. I think we all strive to be or do something that isn't inherently in our nature, though. Even when I was a kid I wasn't really referred to as sweet as much I was referred to as "difficult". The sassy part of me says screw it, but there's a little part that just wants to be known as sweet and nice. So, here's to curbing some of the dramatic and honest tendencies, and working on being a little more sweet. But not too sweet, because I don't want to get diabetes. (Update - iPad formatting sucks. I like lots of paragraphs, not just one! Blech.)

The "M" Word

Things have been stressful in our household, let me tell ya. I’m finally able to blog about it, which is a positive step for me. You know how I love to blog about things.

On Monday, April 30, Michael and I found out we were pregnant. We were so excited! Our estimated due date was 1/2/13, and I was really excited about the prospect of a New Year’s baby.

I was much less sick than I was the first time around, which was my first clue that something might have been amiss. Though I was concerned, I just kept a positive attitude and listened to those who said, “Oh, that means it’s a boy!” or “Every pregnancy is different”.

On Saturday and Sunday, 5/5 and 5/6, I had terrible cramping, but no bleeding. It was so bad on my left side that I was curled up in the fetal position and crying. We dropped Naomi off at a friend’s house on Sunday 5/6 and went to urgent care.

Hours and hours (and 2 different Urgent Care locations) later, we discovered that I had low hormone levels.

We went and picked up Naomi, and I knew in my heart of hearts that I was losing the pregnancy. Michael had a great, positive, optimistic attitude, and I tried, but I knew from the beginning that something was slightly off, so I had prepared myself for this possibility.

I had lots of blood work done, and saw my (amazing) OB on Monday 5/7/12. He looked at me and said, “It’s most likely a miscarriage, and you need to prepare yourself”. I so appreciated his honesty; it felt good to just have someone confirm what I already knew. (I am convinced that the Urgent Care doctor just didn’t want me to lose it in her exam room).

I didn’t lose it, though. My doctor gave me a hug, told me not to blame myself, and gave me instructions on what to do when it happened. Michael and I left in silence. He continued to be optimistic, and I continued to know what was happening.

On Tuesday morning, I got more blood work done and went into work. I knew that when it all went down, I would want to take time off work and I didn’t want to stress about all of the things that needed to be done in my absence. I just kept working, despite my co-worker’s encouraging me to go home. We were down to one car (Michael got in an accident on 5/3, which we are still dealing with now), so I couldn’t just peace out of work without pulling Michael out too.

Around Noon, though, I started to miscarry and I left work dazed. We called our family on the way home, needing to keep it together so not to crash the car. However, when we got home, I was a mess.

I cried, I screamed, I threw things. I thought about how absolutely unfair it was for me to lose my child, yet so many crappy parents are allowed to keep theirs. I understand that isn’t a fair way to think, but in that moment, I didn’t care.

I took the rest of the week off of work, and hung out with some friends who came into town. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt like part of me was missing. I roamed around staring at people (I was quite the creeper).

On the outside, I had to continue. I have a 2 year old – I can’t afford to lay down and lose it for an extended period of time. I wanted to, though. I had a hard time being around Naomi – not because of her, but because when I looked at her I thought about all of the wonderful memories of her being born, and knowing that I wouldn’t know the child that I lost.

Some may say it wasn’t a child, because it was so early. To me, it was 100% a child, and I will mourn it like I would mourn a living child (albeit still a little differently). And, I should add, though I think it was a baby, even that early, I still believe in women having a choice with what they do with their bodies. People should stay out of a women’s uterus, thanks k bye.

Anyway, all of this happened the week of Mother’s Day. The day was good in regards to spending it with my family, but when I was going to bed, I cried.

I’m slowly becoming myself again. A lot of other stressors happened in the month of May, and I am so glad that it’s over. I’m able to laugh again, I don’t shy away from children as much, and I’m starting to feel like leaving that house again (though I’ve been leaving the house every day, I have an enormous amount of anxiety). Holidays are rough, and I don’t think that I’ll ever enjoy New Year’s like I have in the past.

So, that’s what’s been going on in the life of us. Many thanks to those who knew and sent positive thoughts our way, and for everyone’s continued support. We’ve decided to wait a year to try for another child. Though we may change our mind, I am still pretty emotionally fragile, despite my outward attitude. I’m still carrying around guilt (though I know it’s not my fault, I still feel like it is), still cry randomly, and have a hard time being certain places that remind me of what happened.

Much love to everyone, and my future posts will be less depressing, and a little more awesome.

Children's Show Writers - on drugs or crazy? (From August 2011)

First, let me preface this by saying that I let my kid watch TV from time to time before the age of 2, despite what the AAP says. I know, crappy mom over here.

Anyway, we first introduced Word World, which actually isn’t too bad. Then, we moved forward with Seasame Street.
 
Let’s chat about SS for a moment. Can someone explain to me what half the characters are? I look at them and say, “Grover, what the hell are you supposed to be?” (please notice that I didn’t use Snuffleuppagus as an example, because I didn’t want to look up how to spell his name). My favorite part of SS? Elmo. Super annoying, but really cute at the same time. I’m doomed.

Then, we played a few episodes of Dora, to see what it was like. It is a little advanced for her, and Mamma isn’t able to listen to that for a long period of time. I get that the show is trying to be interactive – but do you really need to ask 3 times for the kids to locate the map? Just get the fucking map out already and go on your merry way. Have a GREAT time.

An episode of Yo Gabba Gabba made an appearance in our house this weekend. I am convinced that the people writing for that show are own drugs, and I would like to have some. Michael looks and me and says “there can only be one episode of this a day. I want to punch something”. It was 24 minutes of me say “what the hell is this” and laughing at DJ Lance. I could rock his hat, though.



So, is it a prerequisite to be on drugs to write for a kids show? Or just completely crazy? Do shows set out to drive the parent nuts?
Though the shows can be annoying, they give me 24 blissful minutes to be able to clean a toilet, make some lunch, or do a load of laundry. I can deal with cracked out Yo Gabba Gabba every once in awhile, right?

 

Can't Sleep - so it's Random Crap time!

I am currently unable to fall asleep, despite my entire house being dead to the world. Even the dog is snoring. This means it's Random Crap time!

1. Did you know that car door handles can break from inside the door? I found out the hard way yesterday when I attempted to remove myself from our 03 Kia, and discovered I was stuck. Turns out the mechanism inside the door snapped, so now I have to roll down the window to open the car door from the outside. Classy, I know.

2. Did you know that cockroaches can jump at you and stand on their hind legs? Now, I am pretty sure it was a cockroach - we currently have an infestation at work. Anyway, I got to kill what seems to be one of the larger inhabitants, and it JUMPED at me, scurried away, and then popped up on it's hind legs prior to be stomping on it 15 times. Sounds dramatic, yes, but it's true. I have witnesses. Megan = 1, Bug = 0. I believe the King Cockroach is still around, and that his name is Hernandez.

3. Scurried is a funny word, and I think about my Orientation friends at NODA in Waterloo, Iowa while looking for the Cold Stone Creamery. Thanks to Kendall, we went 1 hour in the wrong direction in a 15 passenger van around 9 pm. It was before GPS came standard on phones, don't judge us.

4. Did you know that in Nevada it is nearly impossible to build basements because of the ground? It's too hard. Very few houses have basements, and if they do, they are worth s lot of money.

5. I have yet to see the following things while living in Nevada (now over 3 years): Mosquitos, lightening bugs, June Bugs. Things I've seen a lot of: geckos, people who wear things they shouldn't, drunk people. Things that I've seen from a distance and run away from:
scorpions.

6. The drive between Reno and Las Vegas is over 8 hours long, has 1 restaurant along the way (Burger King), and two gas stations. The rest is nothing. It's worse than Kansas.

7. Places I want to visit: Ireland, the UK, Spain, Austria, Brazil

8. Man I wish wasn't gay: John Borrowman (from Torchwood). Look him up.

9. Thing I wish I would have done prior to getting married and having a kid: Study Abroad

10. This blog has had almost 2300 hits from 10 countries - amazing!! Share it with your friends!!

Still not tired. Sucky. Off to play with Twitter, I guess.

Inner Turmoil and Conflict

As everyone knows, Osama Bin Laden has been killed by US forces in Pakistan.  There was a fire fight, he was shot in the head, and he was buried at sea within 24 hours, as dictated by Islamic Law.

I find myself conflicted in this situation.  I have two sides of me, both equally as passionate.

Side One - Happiness

This man murdered countless innocent people.  I think of 9/11, as well as the other terrorist attacks that he had a hand in, and what justice they must feel.  I think of how I would feel if Michael or Naomi were murdered in this way - how would I handle it?  Would I be happy?  Would I feel relief?  Or would I just want it to be over?  I don't believe in the death penalty, but I am happy that this evil man is no longer among the living.

Side Two - Relief, but sadness

While I feel relief and happiness, I am saddened by how intensly people are celebrating his death.  I think it is appropriate for people to say "I'm glad he's gone" blah blah blah, but some of the comments that I hear are shocking, to say the least.  For example, "I wanted him tortured, torn apart, burned, and spread amongst a pile of shit" and "Burn in hell" take me aback, to be honest.  The intense celebrations in the streets eerily reminded of the middle-eastern countries that had burning flags and dragging bodies through the streets.  Now, don't get me wrong, Americans were not doing that...not even close.  But mass celebrations of a man's death, no matter how evil, kind of hurt my heart.  We, as Americans, are better than that.  And, as far as "Burn in hell" is concerned - for those of us who believe in God, heaven, hell, and the second coming, is it right for us to wish this?  Are we being hypocritical to not wish that he repented the sins that he committed on earth?  What one must remember, if they indeed believe in heaven and hell, is that God states that all sins are created equal, and those who repent will be welcomed into the gates of heaven.

Obviously, none of us knows whether or not he repented, nor will we ever know.  However, I don't want him to burn in hell - and I don't want to see anyone burn in hell.  I want to see all people forgiven of their sins, and to experience heaven, if there indeed is one.  (That's a bit of my cynical side coming out - please forgive my questioning of heaven and hell in the first place).

MLK, Jr. once made this statement (Update:  I found out that MLK, Jr. actually didn't say this, but I like it anyway, so there.):

‎"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."— Martin Luther King Jr.




I feel that this is a good reminder for us all.  After internal reflection, I have decided that I am relieved, and part of me happy to hear of his death - not for revenge, but to breath a little easier at night.  Will this end all terrorism?  Of course not - but it sends the message that America will not be taken down by cowards who use fear to make a point.

I encourage all, no matter what walk of life, to push down their hatred for this man, and for all who kill out of hatred, spite, etc.  Be relieved that he's gone, but don't let hate consume you.  Life is too short for that, and I want light and love in this world, especially for my daughter.