Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Things I Wish I Was
Do you ever have a moment where you say "man, I wish I was more like that"? I do.
For example - there are certain words that people use to describe me. For example, words like sassy, strong, dedicated, brutally honest, dramatic, loyal, and funny are all used to describe me. However, words like sweet, nice, caring, etc are NOT on the top ten words to describe Meg.
Now, don't get me wrong - I love me. I think I'm pretty fabulous most of the time, so self esteem is not the issue. However, I think that certain qualities that I have put me in the "not nice" category. (even N says "not nice, Mommy!" from time to time, but that's usually when I'm trying to get her to stop doing something, even if it is in a nice tone. Le sigh.)
There are times that I am sitting alone, like now, and ponder my life. I think I'm nice and fiercely loyal, but my brutal honesty gets me in trouble from time to time. I tell myself that keeping people accountable and not sugar coating stuff isn't necessarily a downfall, but it can get me in trouble in certain situations. I have a little bit of a hot head too, which puts me in the "not nice" category.
Does it bother me that the words sweet and kind aren't used to describe me? Yes and no. I think we all strive to be or do something that isn't inherently in our nature, though. Even when I was a kid I wasn't really referred to as sweet as much I was referred to as "difficult". The sassy part of me says screw it, but there's a little part that just wants to be known as sweet and nice.
So, here's to curbing some of the dramatic and honest tendencies, and working on being a little more sweet. But not too sweet, because I don't want to get diabetes.
(Update - iPad formatting sucks. I like lots of paragraphs, not just one! Blech.)
Monday, June 18, 2012
The "M" Word
Things have been stressful in our household, let me tell ya. I’m finally able to blog about it, which is a positive step for me. You know how I love to blog about things.
On Monday, April 30, Michael and I found out we were pregnant. We were so excited! Our estimated due date was 1/2/13, and I was really excited about the prospect of a New Year’s baby.
I was much less sick than I was the first time around, which was my first clue that something might have been amiss. Though I was concerned, I just kept a positive attitude and listened to those who said, “Oh, that means it’s a boy!” or “Every pregnancy is different”.
On Saturday and Sunday, 5/5 and 5/6, I had terrible cramping, but no bleeding. It was so bad on my left side that I was curled up in the fetal position and crying. We dropped Naomi off at a friend’s house on Sunday 5/6 and went to urgent care.
Hours and hours (and 2 different Urgent Care locations) later, we discovered that I had low hormone levels.
We went and picked up Naomi, and I knew in my heart of hearts that I was losing the pregnancy. Michael had a great, positive, optimistic attitude, and I tried, but I knew from the beginning that something was slightly off, so I had prepared myself for this possibility.
I had lots of blood work done, and saw my (amazing) OB on Monday 5/7/12. He looked at me and said, “It’s most likely a miscarriage, and you need to prepare yourself”. I so appreciated his honesty; it felt good to just have someone confirm what I already knew. (I am convinced that the Urgent Care doctor just didn’t want me to lose it in her exam room).
I didn’t lose it, though. My doctor gave me a hug, told me not to blame myself, and gave me instructions on what to do when it happened. Michael and I left in silence. He continued to be optimistic, and I continued to know what was happening.
On Tuesday morning, I got more blood work done and went into work. I knew that when it all went down, I would want to take time off work and I didn’t want to stress about all of the things that needed to be done in my absence. I just kept working, despite my co-worker’s encouraging me to go home. We were down to one car (Michael got in an accident on 5/3, which we are still dealing with now), so I couldn’t just peace out of work without pulling Michael out too.
Around Noon, though, I started to miscarry and I left work dazed. We called our family on the way home, needing to keep it together so not to crash the car. However, when we got home, I was a mess.
I cried, I screamed, I threw things. I thought about how absolutely unfair it was for me to lose my child, yet so many crappy parents are allowed to keep theirs. I understand that isn’t a fair way to think, but in that moment, I didn’t care.
I took the rest of the week off of work, and hung out with some friends who came into town. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt like part of me was missing. I roamed around staring at people (I was quite the creeper).
On the outside, I had to continue. I have a 2 year old – I can’t afford to lay down and lose it for an extended period of time. I wanted to, though. I had a hard time being around Naomi – not because of her, but because when I looked at her I thought about all of the wonderful memories of her being born, and knowing that I wouldn’t know the child that I lost.
Some may say it wasn’t a child, because it was so early. To me, it was 100% a child, and I will mourn it like I would mourn a living child (albeit still a little differently). And, I should add, though I think it was a baby, even that early, I still believe in women having a choice with what they do with their bodies. People should stay out of a women’s uterus, thanks k bye.
Anyway, all of this happened the week of Mother’s Day. The day was good in regards to spending it with my family, but when I was going to bed, I cried.
I’m slowly becoming myself again. A lot of other stressors happened in the month of May, and I am so glad that it’s over. I’m able to laugh again, I don’t shy away from children as much, and I’m starting to feel like leaving that house again (though I’ve been leaving the house every day, I have an enormous amount of anxiety). Holidays are rough, and I don’t think that I’ll ever enjoy New Year’s like I have in the past.
So, that’s what’s been going on in the life of us. Many thanks to those who knew and sent positive thoughts our way, and for everyone’s continued support. We’ve decided to wait a year to try for another child. Though we may change our mind, I am still pretty emotionally fragile, despite my outward attitude. I’m still carrying around guilt (though I know it’s not my fault, I still feel like it is), still cry randomly, and have a hard time being certain places that remind me of what happened.
Much love to everyone, and my future posts will be less depressing, and a little more awesome.
On Monday, April 30, Michael and I found out we were pregnant. We were so excited! Our estimated due date was 1/2/13, and I was really excited about the prospect of a New Year’s baby.
I was much less sick than I was the first time around, which was my first clue that something might have been amiss. Though I was concerned, I just kept a positive attitude and listened to those who said, “Oh, that means it’s a boy!” or “Every pregnancy is different”.
On Saturday and Sunday, 5/5 and 5/6, I had terrible cramping, but no bleeding. It was so bad on my left side that I was curled up in the fetal position and crying. We dropped Naomi off at a friend’s house on Sunday 5/6 and went to urgent care.
Hours and hours (and 2 different Urgent Care locations) later, we discovered that I had low hormone levels.
We went and picked up Naomi, and I knew in my heart of hearts that I was losing the pregnancy. Michael had a great, positive, optimistic attitude, and I tried, but I knew from the beginning that something was slightly off, so I had prepared myself for this possibility.
I had lots of blood work done, and saw my (amazing) OB on Monday 5/7/12. He looked at me and said, “It’s most likely a miscarriage, and you need to prepare yourself”. I so appreciated his honesty; it felt good to just have someone confirm what I already knew. (I am convinced that the Urgent Care doctor just didn’t want me to lose it in her exam room).
I didn’t lose it, though. My doctor gave me a hug, told me not to blame myself, and gave me instructions on what to do when it happened. Michael and I left in silence. He continued to be optimistic, and I continued to know what was happening.
On Tuesday morning, I got more blood work done and went into work. I knew that when it all went down, I would want to take time off work and I didn’t want to stress about all of the things that needed to be done in my absence. I just kept working, despite my co-worker’s encouraging me to go home. We were down to one car (Michael got in an accident on 5/3, which we are still dealing with now), so I couldn’t just peace out of work without pulling Michael out too.
Around Noon, though, I started to miscarry and I left work dazed. We called our family on the way home, needing to keep it together so not to crash the car. However, when we got home, I was a mess.
I cried, I screamed, I threw things. I thought about how absolutely unfair it was for me to lose my child, yet so many crappy parents are allowed to keep theirs. I understand that isn’t a fair way to think, but in that moment, I didn’t care.
I took the rest of the week off of work, and hung out with some friends who came into town. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt like part of me was missing. I roamed around staring at people (I was quite the creeper).
On the outside, I had to continue. I have a 2 year old – I can’t afford to lay down and lose it for an extended period of time. I wanted to, though. I had a hard time being around Naomi – not because of her, but because when I looked at her I thought about all of the wonderful memories of her being born, and knowing that I wouldn’t know the child that I lost.
Some may say it wasn’t a child, because it was so early. To me, it was 100% a child, and I will mourn it like I would mourn a living child (albeit still a little differently). And, I should add, though I think it was a baby, even that early, I still believe in women having a choice with what they do with their bodies. People should stay out of a women’s uterus, thanks k bye.
Anyway, all of this happened the week of Mother’s Day. The day was good in regards to spending it with my family, but when I was going to bed, I cried.
I’m slowly becoming myself again. A lot of other stressors happened in the month of May, and I am so glad that it’s over. I’m able to laugh again, I don’t shy away from children as much, and I’m starting to feel like leaving that house again (though I’ve been leaving the house every day, I have an enormous amount of anxiety). Holidays are rough, and I don’t think that I’ll ever enjoy New Year’s like I have in the past.
So, that’s what’s been going on in the life of us. Many thanks to those who knew and sent positive thoughts our way, and for everyone’s continued support. We’ve decided to wait a year to try for another child. Though we may change our mind, I am still pretty emotionally fragile, despite my outward attitude. I’m still carrying around guilt (though I know it’s not my fault, I still feel like it is), still cry randomly, and have a hard time being certain places that remind me of what happened.
Much love to everyone, and my future posts will be less depressing, and a little more awesome.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Children's Show Writers - on drugs or crazy? (From August 2011)
First, let me preface this by saying that I let my kid watch TV
from time to time before the age of 2, despite what the AAP says. I
know, crappy mom over here.
Anyway, we first introduced Word World, which actually isn’t too bad. Then, we moved forward with Seasame Street.
Let’s chat about SS for a moment. Can someone explain to me what half the characters are? I look at them and say, “Grover, what the hell are you supposed to be?” (please notice that I didn’t use Snuffleuppagus as an example, because I didn’t want to look up how to spell his name). My favorite part of SS? Elmo. Super annoying, but really cute at the same time. I’m doomed.
Then, we played a few episodes of Dora, to see what it was like. It is a little advanced for her, and Mamma isn’t able to listen to that for a long period of time. I get that the show is trying to be interactive – but do you really need to ask 3 times for the kids to locate the map? Just get the fucking map out already and go on your merry way. Have a GREAT time.
An episode of Yo Gabba Gabba made an appearance in our house this weekend. I am convinced that the people writing for that show are own drugs, and I would like to have some. Michael looks and me and says “there can only be one episode of this a day. I want to punch something”. It was 24 minutes of me say “what the hell is this” and laughing at DJ Lance. I could rock his hat, though.
So, is it a prerequisite to be on drugs to write for a kids show? Or just completely crazy? Do shows set out to drive the parent nuts?
Though the shows can be annoying, they give me 24 blissful minutes to be able to clean a toilet, make some lunch, or do a load of laundry. I can deal with cracked out Yo Gabba Gabba every once in awhile, right?
Anyway, we first introduced Word World, which actually isn’t too bad. Then, we moved forward with Seasame Street.
Let’s chat about SS for a moment. Can someone explain to me what half the characters are? I look at them and say, “Grover, what the hell are you supposed to be?” (please notice that I didn’t use Snuffleuppagus as an example, because I didn’t want to look up how to spell his name). My favorite part of SS? Elmo. Super annoying, but really cute at the same time. I’m doomed.
Then, we played a few episodes of Dora, to see what it was like. It is a little advanced for her, and Mamma isn’t able to listen to that for a long period of time. I get that the show is trying to be interactive – but do you really need to ask 3 times for the kids to locate the map? Just get the fucking map out already and go on your merry way. Have a GREAT time.
An episode of Yo Gabba Gabba made an appearance in our house this weekend. I am convinced that the people writing for that show are own drugs, and I would like to have some. Michael looks and me and says “there can only be one episode of this a day. I want to punch something”. It was 24 minutes of me say “what the hell is this” and laughing at DJ Lance. I could rock his hat, though.
So, is it a prerequisite to be on drugs to write for a kids show? Or just completely crazy? Do shows set out to drive the parent nuts?
Though the shows can be annoying, they give me 24 blissful minutes to be able to clean a toilet, make some lunch, or do a load of laundry. I can deal with cracked out Yo Gabba Gabba every once in awhile, right?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Can't Sleep - so it's Random Crap time!
I am currently unable to fall asleep, despite my entire house being dead to the world. Even the dog is snoring. This means it's Random Crap time!
1. Did you know that car door handles can break from inside the door? I found out the hard way yesterday when I attempted to remove myself from our 03 Kia, and discovered I was stuck. Turns out the mechanism inside the door snapped, so now I have to roll down the window to open the car door from the outside. Classy, I know.
2. Did you know that cockroaches can jump at you and stand on their hind legs? Now, I am pretty sure it was a cockroach - we currently have an infestation at work. Anyway, I got to kill what seems to be one of the larger inhabitants, and it JUMPED at me, scurried away, and then popped up on it's hind legs prior to be stomping on it 15 times. Sounds dramatic, yes, but it's true. I have witnesses. Megan = 1, Bug = 0. I believe the King Cockroach is still around, and that his name is Hernandez.
3. Scurried is a funny word, and I think about my Orientation friends at NODA in Waterloo, Iowa while looking for the Cold Stone Creamery. Thanks to Kendall, we went 1 hour in the wrong direction in a 15 passenger van around 9 pm. It was before GPS came standard on phones, don't judge us.
4. Did you know that in Nevada it is nearly impossible to build basements because of the ground? It's too hard. Very few houses have basements, and if they do, they are worth s lot of money.
5. I have yet to see the following things while living in Nevada (now over 3 years): Mosquitos, lightening bugs, June Bugs. Things I've seen a lot of: geckos, people who wear things they shouldn't, drunk people. Things that I've seen from a distance and run away from:
scorpions.
6. The drive between Reno and Las Vegas is over 8 hours long, has 1 restaurant along the way (Burger King), and two gas stations. The rest is nothing. It's worse than Kansas.
7. Places I want to visit: Ireland, the UK, Spain, Austria, Brazil
8. Man I wish wasn't gay: John Borrowman (from Torchwood). Look him up.
9. Thing I wish I would have done prior to getting married and having a kid: Study Abroad
10. This blog has had almost 2300 hits from 10 countries - amazing!! Share it with your friends!!
Still not tired. Sucky. Off to play with Twitter, I guess.
1. Did you know that car door handles can break from inside the door? I found out the hard way yesterday when I attempted to remove myself from our 03 Kia, and discovered I was stuck. Turns out the mechanism inside the door snapped, so now I have to roll down the window to open the car door from the outside. Classy, I know.
2. Did you know that cockroaches can jump at you and stand on their hind legs? Now, I am pretty sure it was a cockroach - we currently have an infestation at work. Anyway, I got to kill what seems to be one of the larger inhabitants, and it JUMPED at me, scurried away, and then popped up on it's hind legs prior to be stomping on it 15 times. Sounds dramatic, yes, but it's true. I have witnesses. Megan = 1, Bug = 0. I believe the King Cockroach is still around, and that his name is Hernandez.
3. Scurried is a funny word, and I think about my Orientation friends at NODA in Waterloo, Iowa while looking for the Cold Stone Creamery. Thanks to Kendall, we went 1 hour in the wrong direction in a 15 passenger van around 9 pm. It was before GPS came standard on phones, don't judge us.
4. Did you know that in Nevada it is nearly impossible to build basements because of the ground? It's too hard. Very few houses have basements, and if they do, they are worth s lot of money.
5. I have yet to see the following things while living in Nevada (now over 3 years): Mosquitos, lightening bugs, June Bugs. Things I've seen a lot of: geckos, people who wear things they shouldn't, drunk people. Things that I've seen from a distance and run away from:
scorpions.
6. The drive between Reno and Las Vegas is over 8 hours long, has 1 restaurant along the way (Burger King), and two gas stations. The rest is nothing. It's worse than Kansas.
7. Places I want to visit: Ireland, the UK, Spain, Austria, Brazil
8. Man I wish wasn't gay: John Borrowman (from Torchwood). Look him up.
9. Thing I wish I would have done prior to getting married and having a kid: Study Abroad
10. This blog has had almost 2300 hits from 10 countries - amazing!! Share it with your friends!!
Still not tired. Sucky. Off to play with Twitter, I guess.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Inner Turmoil and Conflict
As everyone knows, Osama Bin Laden has been killed by US forces in Pakistan. There was a fire fight, he was shot in the head, and he was buried at sea within 24 hours, as dictated by Islamic Law.
I find myself conflicted in this situation. I have two sides of me, both equally as passionate.
Side One - Happiness
This man murdered countless innocent people. I think of 9/11, as well as the other terrorist attacks that he had a hand in, and what justice they must feel. I think of how I would feel if Michael or Naomi were murdered in this way - how would I handle it? Would I be happy? Would I feel relief? Or would I just want it to be over? I don't believe in the death penalty, but I am happy that this evil man is no longer among the living.
Side Two - Relief, but sadness
While I feel relief and happiness, I am saddened by how intensly people are celebrating his death. I think it is appropriate for people to say "I'm glad he's gone" blah blah blah, but some of the comments that I hear are shocking, to say the least. For example, "I wanted him tortured, torn apart, burned, and spread amongst a pile of shit" and "Burn in hell" take me aback, to be honest. The intense celebrations in the streets eerily reminded of the middle-eastern countries that had burning flags and dragging bodies through the streets. Now, don't get me wrong, Americans were not doing that...not even close. But mass celebrations of a man's death, no matter how evil, kind of hurt my heart. We, as Americans, are better than that. And, as far as "Burn in hell" is concerned - for those of us who believe in God, heaven, hell, and the second coming, is it right for us to wish this? Are we being hypocritical to not wish that he repented the sins that he committed on earth? What one must remember, if they indeed believe in heaven and hell, is that God states that all sins are created equal, and those who repent will be welcomed into the gates of heaven.
Obviously, none of us knows whether or not he repented, nor will we ever know. However, I don't want him to burn in hell - and I don't want to see anyone burn in hell. I want to see all people forgiven of their sins, and to experience heaven, if there indeed is one. (That's a bit of my cynical side coming out - please forgive my questioning of heaven and hell in the first place).
MLK, Jr. once made this statement (Update: I found out that MLK, Jr. actually didn't say this, but I like it anyway, so there.):
"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."— Martin Luther King Jr.
I feel that this is a good reminder for us all. After internal reflection, I have decided that I am relieved, and part of me happy to hear of his death - not for revenge, but to breath a little easier at night. Will this end all terrorism? Of course not - but it sends the message that America will not be taken down by cowards who use fear to make a point.
I encourage all, no matter what walk of life, to push down their hatred for this man, and for all who kill out of hatred, spite, etc. Be relieved that he's gone, but don't let hate consume you. Life is too short for that, and I want light and love in this world, especially for my daughter.
I find myself conflicted in this situation. I have two sides of me, both equally as passionate.
Side One - Happiness
This man murdered countless innocent people. I think of 9/11, as well as the other terrorist attacks that he had a hand in, and what justice they must feel. I think of how I would feel if Michael or Naomi were murdered in this way - how would I handle it? Would I be happy? Would I feel relief? Or would I just want it to be over? I don't believe in the death penalty, but I am happy that this evil man is no longer among the living.
Side Two - Relief, but sadness
While I feel relief and happiness, I am saddened by how intensly people are celebrating his death. I think it is appropriate for people to say "I'm glad he's gone" blah blah blah, but some of the comments that I hear are shocking, to say the least. For example, "I wanted him tortured, torn apart, burned, and spread amongst a pile of shit" and "Burn in hell" take me aback, to be honest. The intense celebrations in the streets eerily reminded of the middle-eastern countries that had burning flags and dragging bodies through the streets. Now, don't get me wrong, Americans were not doing that...not even close. But mass celebrations of a man's death, no matter how evil, kind of hurt my heart. We, as Americans, are better than that. And, as far as "Burn in hell" is concerned - for those of us who believe in God, heaven, hell, and the second coming, is it right for us to wish this? Are we being hypocritical to not wish that he repented the sins that he committed on earth? What one must remember, if they indeed believe in heaven and hell, is that God states that all sins are created equal, and those who repent will be welcomed into the gates of heaven.
Obviously, none of us knows whether or not he repented, nor will we ever know. However, I don't want him to burn in hell - and I don't want to see anyone burn in hell. I want to see all people forgiven of their sins, and to experience heaven, if there indeed is one. (That's a bit of my cynical side coming out - please forgive my questioning of heaven and hell in the first place).
MLK, Jr. once made this statement (Update: I found out that MLK, Jr. actually didn't say this, but I like it anyway, so there.):
"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."— Martin Luther King Jr.
I feel that this is a good reminder for us all. After internal reflection, I have decided that I am relieved, and part of me happy to hear of his death - not for revenge, but to breath a little easier at night. Will this end all terrorism? Of course not - but it sends the message that America will not be taken down by cowards who use fear to make a point.
I encourage all, no matter what walk of life, to push down their hatred for this man, and for all who kill out of hatred, spite, etc. Be relieved that he's gone, but don't let hate consume you. Life is too short for that, and I want light and love in this world, especially for my daughter.
Friday, April 29, 2011
The Realities of Parenting
Recently, I've started to look at my kid and think, "Who said you could grow up so fast?"
People can tell you all kinds of things about parenting - they grow up so fast, you'll never get any sleep, blah blah blah. I knew most of these things, but you don't realize how much it affects your life until it actually happens.
When Naomi was first born, it was difficult for Michael and I. I feel comfortable discussing that with the world because I think that it's important to communicate what really goes on "behind the scenes" of parenthood. It's not all unicorns and rainbows, people.
Marriage becomes difficult. All those conversations about how to raise a child are revisited, because once the kid gets here, opinions can change. The amount of hormones that are in your system can cause Postpartum Depression (PPD), which I struggled with. Even that topic is taboo, and it's taken over a year to feel more "normal". There are days that you just want to say "Please, just stop f*cking crying", then feeling guilty that you thought about that regarding your beautiful, loving kid.
These are just a few realities of parenting. We are learning something new every day. The newest thing? Trying to curb her stubbornness. For a short time, we would tap her hand when she would feed the dog - but I realized that one of my big parenting "no-nos" is to use spanking, smacking, hitting, etc. to make a point. Violence with anyone, especially children, is unacceptable in our house. What continues to irk me, though, is that people say things like "You just wait!" No, my mind is pretty much made up about this topic. If a parent chooses to discipline in that way, fine - it's just not for us. My sister helped remind me of that, and though it was hard to face that we were going down a path that we both wanted to avoid, change needed to be made.
That's another thing about parenting - it is important to recognize that mistakes are going to be made. We can't change the past, but we can change the future. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I am human, and we've never done this before. We are simply learning.
So, our marriage experienced some tough times, I dealt with PPD, and I struggle with being a parent every day. That makes us human, and THAT, my friends, is the reality of parenting. Now, Michael and I are stronger than ever, and I am so thankful to have such a strong partner in my husband and best friend. I've overcome PPD, and I aim to make it less "taboo". Soon, in my huge amount of time, I want to provide information via my blog about PPD. And, I remind myself how freaking lucky I am to have a blessed and happy life, despite the daily challenges of parenthood. It's so worth it.
My hope for my family is that we keep things in perspective, and continue to thank God that we have been so blessed. Things may be hard sometimes, but Michael and Naomi make me strong. :)
Naomi update: She is so darn stubborn - but is so cute about it, so I have to keep from laughing! :) Michael and I take turns trying to redirect her and giggle. I sometimes I say things like, "Ok, come on drama" when she's having a meltdown. When I don't give her the attention she wants when she is having said meltdown, she stops and goes back to playing. She's such a ham! She's almost walking by herself, and her hugs and kisses make my heart melt. I am so lucky to be her Mom.
People can tell you all kinds of things about parenting - they grow up so fast, you'll never get any sleep, blah blah blah. I knew most of these things, but you don't realize how much it affects your life until it actually happens.
When Naomi was first born, it was difficult for Michael and I. I feel comfortable discussing that with the world because I think that it's important to communicate what really goes on "behind the scenes" of parenthood. It's not all unicorns and rainbows, people.
Marriage becomes difficult. All those conversations about how to raise a child are revisited, because once the kid gets here, opinions can change. The amount of hormones that are in your system can cause Postpartum Depression (PPD), which I struggled with. Even that topic is taboo, and it's taken over a year to feel more "normal". There are days that you just want to say "Please, just stop f*cking crying", then feeling guilty that you thought about that regarding your beautiful, loving kid.
These are just a few realities of parenting. We are learning something new every day. The newest thing? Trying to curb her stubbornness. For a short time, we would tap her hand when she would feed the dog - but I realized that one of my big parenting "no-nos" is to use spanking, smacking, hitting, etc. to make a point. Violence with anyone, especially children, is unacceptable in our house. What continues to irk me, though, is that people say things like "You just wait!" No, my mind is pretty much made up about this topic. If a parent chooses to discipline in that way, fine - it's just not for us. My sister helped remind me of that, and though it was hard to face that we were going down a path that we both wanted to avoid, change needed to be made.
That's another thing about parenting - it is important to recognize that mistakes are going to be made. We can't change the past, but we can change the future. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I am human, and we've never done this before. We are simply learning.
So, our marriage experienced some tough times, I dealt with PPD, and I struggle with being a parent every day. That makes us human, and THAT, my friends, is the reality of parenting. Now, Michael and I are stronger than ever, and I am so thankful to have such a strong partner in my husband and best friend. I've overcome PPD, and I aim to make it less "taboo". Soon, in my huge amount of time, I want to provide information via my blog about PPD. And, I remind myself how freaking lucky I am to have a blessed and happy life, despite the daily challenges of parenthood. It's so worth it.
My hope for my family is that we keep things in perspective, and continue to thank God that we have been so blessed. Things may be hard sometimes, but Michael and Naomi make me strong. :)
Naomi update: She is so darn stubborn - but is so cute about it, so I have to keep from laughing! :) Michael and I take turns trying to redirect her and giggle. I sometimes I say things like, "Ok, come on drama" when she's having a meltdown. When I don't give her the attention she wants when she is having said meltdown, she stops and goes back to playing. She's such a ham! She's almost walking by herself, and her hugs and kisses make my heart melt. I am so lucky to be her Mom.
Friday, April 8, 2011
I will thwart you, food!
I'm not going to lie, I love food. I love the way it tastes, I love making it, I love the way it makes me feel.
Well, maybe not that last part.
I have a problem with moderation, in pretty much all aspects of my life. I'm a very "all or nothing" person. This includes food. I eat food when I'm experiencing an emotion, I eat food when I'm bored, I eat food to celebrate things.
Why am I being so open and honest about this? It's because as much as I say "I'm going to work out!!", it lasts for 2.2 seconds, and then I go on a binge again. Being vocal about my weight loss journey will **hopefully** assist with this.
I've become ashamed with how I look and feel. I've noticed that people look at me differently now. People look at me when I am eating. People look at me if I am walking slower. You may say "Megan, it's all in your head, you're not that bad". Sure, it may be in my head, but yes, it is that bad. I don't want to be that mother who can't play with her kid because she has an emotional connection to food. I don't want to be the wife who would rather veg in front of the TV instead of going out for a healthy date. I don't want to be the friend who always gets a ton of food, and eats it all without batting an eye.
I feel like I am concerning my friends and family with my weight gain, and I am now looking to do something about it - for real. What am I doing? What I should have been doing all along - eating right and being active. That's the right way to do it - not a lose-weight-quick fad. How am I going to stay on track? I am going to record what I eat, and stay under a certain calorie amount. I'm going to be active, and I've signed up for a 5K in May. Yeah, I'll probably walk the majority of it, but at least I am doing it.
I am officially giving the world permission to keep me accountable - if you see me eating something unhealthy, ask me how my weight loss journey is going. I won't get offended - if I want to continue to eat my Taco Bell, though, I should be able to vocalize what exactly I will be doing to work off the extra calories.
It's about good decisions, and getting healthy. I am tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, and not feeling like myself.
So, be honest with me folks, as I work to thwart the monster that is food. I will post updates when I can - I hope I can actually stick with it this time.
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